Or was it something else?

Saturday 16th April 2016

Having snoozed the alarm more than once I finally realised if I was ever going to make it to work on time I had to move.  As I sat on the side of the bed composing my thoughts, I had this real urge that I needed to cry.  I won’t deny that the thought was there to crawl back under the duvet and let my emotions take over.  I fought the urge and headed to the bathroom.

The shower seems to be a place where I unintentionally practice mindfulness, letting the thoughts flow like the water.  I often have my greatest ideas when I’m dancing under the spray.  This morning though I couldn’t let go of the thought of what was causing the need to cry.  The urge had passed but he questioning remained.

I’d had quite a late night.  In fact, the last few nights have been late ones and I can’t remember the last time I got a good eight hours sleep.

Maybe I was just tired?  Or was it something else?

As a lady in my early forties, I can’t ignore nature.  My period is a week late and I know for a fact that I’m not ‘with child’ (and if I am, I stand to make a fortune with an immaculate conception).

So having battled depression, do I now have to tackle the menopause?  Or was it something else?

Friday evening I decided to ‘treat myself’ to a chinese takeaway.  I’m not normally one for take aways and junk food, I try to eat nutritious meals as much as possible.  However, it was very tasty and typically for me, I cleared my plate.  I’d definitely eaten too much and despite it being a noodle based dish, it wont have been as healthy as I’d convinced myself it was.

Had I just over eaten and my body was missing out on nutrients?  Or was it something else?

I was also aware I hadn’t had many cups of (herbal) tea during work on Friday and then hadn’t drunk a great deal when I got home.  Along with the undoubted high salt content in the chinese I’d gotten into bed on Friday evening feeling dehydrated.

Was I just dehydrated?  Or was it something else?

Ten days ago, I started to reduce the dosage of my anti-depressant, only taking tablets on six of those ten days.

Was this the start of the withdrawal symptoms?  Or was it something else?

Work was a great distraction and sixteen hours after surfacing, I havent cried and the urge has gone – but the questioning hasn’t!

I’ve consciously drunk plenty of water today both alone and with cups of (herbal) tea.  I also made sure this evenings dinner was light and nutritious (my favourite go-to of spinach and feta scrambled eggs with added tomato and avocado courtesy of the Medicinal Chef, Dale Pinnock.

I have no need to be up early tomorrow so I will set my alarm, but will set it to wake me up eight hours after lights out.

I can’t control my hormones and so for once, I will wake up wishing my period to grace me with her presence (instead of wishing it would go away.  Maybe I should be careful what I wish for in future).

So that just leaves the withdrawal from my anti-depressant.  It is only early days but is something I really hope to do, yet do accept it might not be possible.  I can’t give up at the first obstacle.  I know it wont be easy but I have to at least try.

In all circumstances, I want to remain positive and like to seek the good and gratitude in situations.  There is good in todays emotion – I am aware of how I feel and am not running away from it.  I am also grateful that I didn’t succumb to my first thought of curling up under the duvet and giving in to the day.  That makes it a win-win kind of day to me!






One thought on “Or was it something else?

  1. You are very self-aware and aware of the nature of the illness which are big steps in living well. And this post describes well the sort of questioning that goes through your mind in seeking answers for the feelings that can come over you.

    Liked by 1 person

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