Saturday 16th April 2016
Having snoozed the alarm more than once I finally realised if I was ever going to make it to work on time I had to move. As I sat on the side of the bed composing my thoughts, I had this real urge that I needed to cry. I won’t deny that the thought was there to crawl back under the duvet and let my emotions take over. I fought the urge and headed to the bathroom.
The shower seems to be a place where I unintentionally practice mindfulness, letting the thoughts flow like the water. I often have my greatest ideas when I’m dancing under the spray. This morning though I couldn’t let go of the thought of what was causing the need to cry. The urge had passed but he questioning remained.
I’d had quite a late night. In fact, the last few nights have been late ones and I can’t remember the last time I got a good eight hours sleep.
Maybe I was just tired? Or was it something else?
As a lady in my early forties, I can’t ignore nature. My period is a week late and I know for a fact that I’m not ‘with child’ (and if I am, I stand to make a fortune with an immaculate conception).
So having battled depression, do I now have to tackle the menopause? Or was it something else?
Friday evening I decided to ‘treat myself’ to a chinese takeaway. I’m not normally one for take aways and junk food, I try to eat nutritious meals as much as possible. However, it was very tasty and typically for me, I cleared my plate. I’d definitely eaten too much and despite it being a noodle based dish, it wont have been as healthy as I’d convinced myself it was.
Had I just over eaten and my body was missing out on nutrients? Or was it something else?
I was also aware I hadn’t had many cups of (herbal) tea during work on Friday and then hadn’t drunk a great deal when I got home. Along with the undoubted high salt content in the chinese I’d gotten into bed on Friday evening feeling dehydrated.
Was I just dehydrated? Or was it something else?
Ten days ago, I started to reduce the dosage of my anti-depressant, only taking tablets on six of those ten days.
Was this the start of the withdrawal symptoms? Or was it something else?
Work was a great distraction and sixteen hours after surfacing, I havent cried and the urge has gone – but the questioning hasn’t!
I’ve consciously drunk plenty of water today both alone and with cups of (herbal) tea. I also made sure this evenings dinner was light and nutritious (my favourite go-to of spinach and feta scrambled eggs with added tomato and avocado courtesy of the Medicinal Chef, Dale Pinnock.
I have no need to be up early tomorrow so I will set my alarm, but will set it to wake me up eight hours after lights out.
I can’t control my hormones and so for once, I will wake up wishing my period to grace me with her presence (instead of wishing it would go away. Maybe I should be careful what I wish for in future).
So that just leaves the withdrawal from my anti-depressant. It is only early days but is something I really hope to do, yet do accept it might not be possible. I can’t give up at the first obstacle. I know it wont be easy but I have to at least try.
In all circumstances, I want to remain positive and like to seek the good and gratitude in situations. There is good in todays emotion – I am aware of how I feel and am not running away from it. I am also grateful that I didn’t succumb to my first thought of curling up under the duvet and giving in to the day. That makes it a win-win kind of day to me!